Blue Christmas (and a New Year’s Hope)

by Karen Lynn Woo

Every year as we wish one another Merry Christmas, there are some whose replies come back with glad tidings for us even as tears glisten in their own eyes. For them, the season is not so very merry . . . more blue than green and red. It’s not actually about color but about loss . . . and maybe a touch of fear . . . anger . . . pain . . . as one tries to navigate a season one has always loved, blindfolded and with one’s hands tied behind one’s back, because grief can make you feel like that . . . like you don’t know where you’re going, let alone how to get there.

Some years ago, as I was driving down the freeway, I suddenly found myself turning down an off-ramp and heading to the home of an old friend whose wife had passed away the year before. When I arrived, he said, “If you had come yesterday instead of today you would not have found me here.”

“Really?” I said chuckling. “And just where would I have found you?”

He answered, “In the hospital.”

Surprised and a little concerned I asked, “And why were you in the hospital?”

“Two doctors and a psychiatrist tell me it’s because I’m depressed but I don’t believe them,” he told me.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I have nothing to be depressed about,” he responded.

“Aside from the fact that Laura is gone?” I said.

“She’s been gone for almost year,” he replied.

I smiled. “And you were married for over 60 years. What makes you think your grief should last less than 1? Yes, some people might work through it in that time but everybody’s different. There’s nothing to say you must be done mourning the loss of your wife after just one year. There’s no timeline on grief,” I told him. He was silent for a moment and then he nodded.

Grief. The loss of a spouse is just one of the many reasons people are grieving these days. Some have lost children or siblings or parents, many here in California saw their homes go up in flames last year, others lost their jobs, were diagnosed with cancer or some other significant disease, or lost a considerable amount of money in the stock market. What do you do when the world in which you have lived, loved, known and been known is suddenly turned upside down by a significant loss? How do you move through your grief?

The thing about grief is there is no easy fix. It’s not something one can side-step or ignore . . . at least not for long. We grieve because someone or something very important to us is no longer here in this life with us and they, and our associated memories of them, are greatly missed. Close family and good friends are helpful to have when one is grieving but, after a time, most move back into their own normal lives whereas the one who is grieving does not have a normal life anymore . . . and doesn’t know how to get one.

Time is an important factor in the grieving process. Time to reflect and remember. Time to put precious memories into safe places. Time to share stories . . . both verbally and in written form, or maybe in pictures/art forms . . . to help others understand why this loss means so much to you. Time to say “farewell” to the past so that you can move forward into your future and a new normal. Time to be kind to yourself . . . to take care of you . . . because grief is hard on one’s body, mind, and spirit.

For the Christian, grieving is also a time when we turn to Jesus . . . not because He is going to raise the dead or provide a new house for you . . . not because He’s going to get your job back for you or cure your disease . . . not because He’s leaving you a truckload of money to replace that which you lost or even take away your pain. No, we turn to Jesus because He understands. He truly understands what we’re going through. He understands the pain of separation and loss. And, he understands the fear that goes with it. He “gets” our grief because He has been there . . . done that.

We also turn to Jesus because He alone can truly “share the load” of one’s grief, swapping out a portion of our pain with the peace that passes all understanding. “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest,” he tells us. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) In good times and in bad, God is there to walk with us . . . through hell and back if that’s what we need him to do and, for the grieving, it can feel like that . . . a walk through hell and back.

I don’t pretend to understand how God is able to swap His peace for my tears. I just know He can and does. I cry out to Him in pain and fear, and He responds with nudgings of comfort and a clear sense that I need not fear because He has a plan even if I don’t yet know what it is. What was true for Jeremiah is true for believers in every time and place. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” ( ~ Jeremiah 29:11)

For those whose year ended in a blue Christmas, there is a New Year’s hope.