by Karen Lynn Woo
Almost anyone who knows the Bible will recognize the words, “Honor your father and your mother,” as part of what is known as “The Ten Commandments,” but just what does it mean to honor your father and your mother in today’s world?
My father passed away in 2014 but if he were here, I think he would say one of the ways I honor him is by honoring my mother. For almost 60 years he took care of her . . .honoring his commitment to love her and to be faithful to her in plenty and in want; in joy and in sorrow; in sickness and in health; as long as they both lived. He is no longer here, but his legacy lives on in my siblings and me. We honor our father and our mother by caring for our mother the way our father would care for her if he was still with us today.
Mom is now 90 years old and her memory is fading. Once upon a time she took care of 5 children, a house, a husband, and all that goes along with being a wife and a mother. That is no longer the case. She can no longer even take care of herself. Instead she relies on the 5 children she once took care of to do what she can no longer do. We are her chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, activity director, etc. It’s a position in which I never expected to find myself. While I have two bachelor’s degrees and a master’s degree, I have little training or experience to draw on to help me in this particular arena. Fortunately, my siblings and I are both gifted and experienced in a wide variety of areas.
Prior to this year, I spent 15 years as a pastor in the Midwest. During that time, I ministered to many elderly parishioners. Nevertheless, I was unprepared for the rigors of caring for my own mother. The truth is you can’t really understand what it’s like until you’ve experienced it yourself. Some years ago, one of my parishioners tried to explain to me that her mother really did understand what was being said to her, but it took a long time for her brain to process what was said and put together a response so I needed to be patient and just wait for her to respond. Had I known then what I know now I would have been a lot more patient; would have waited much longer for her to respond. I might also have been a better pastor.
There is a lot of material out there to help those of us who are new to caring for loved ones whose memory is fading. The experts tell us things like “agree, never argue” and “divert, never reason.” There are entire lists of do’s and don’ts, helpful articles, books, and groups. But, like everything else in life, what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. In fact, sometimes what works for you one day won’t work for you the next day. For example, what tastes good to my mom on one day may taste horrible to her the next day. What’s worse is, since she doesn’t remember yesterday, she thinks she’s always hated it and I am lying to her when I tell her she had it the day before and loved it!
I wish one of those above “helps” had told me this: “Caring for a loved one whose memory is fading can be much more difficult than one might expect.” There are times when I feel like I am dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I wonder who that person is in front of me and what did they do with my mom? Caring for a loved one whose memory is fading is both physically and mentally challenging. It can also be extremely painful and exhausting. And, because that is so, sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I react in ways I know are not helpful. Sometimes I find myself questioning my sanity. If this sounds like you, give yourself grace. You are not a robot. Your loved one may not have intended to hurt you with their words or actions but that doesn’t mean the pain you are feeling isn’t real. It is real. Very real.
Honoring my mother doesn’t mean I just have to “suck it up and take it” for what some might term “the greater good,” but it does mean I have to find ways to release my pain and grief that are neither self-destructive nor harmful to my mom. It isn’t easy, but I have found the following to be helpful in difficult times: going for walks, conversations with God (prayer), talking to people who have walked in my shoes, getaway days, fun get-togethers with friends, doing things for me, etc. I’m fortunate in that I have in my siblings a support team who keep in touch daily and who meet regularly to talk about where we are at with mom and what adjustments might be needed regarding her future care.
While there are definitely times of challenge, difficulty, frustration, and pain, there are also times of joy, delight, and happiness . . . times which will someday be memories that bring a smile to our faces after our Lord has taken mom home (i.e. watching mom on the dance floor at the wedding reception of one of her grandsons, moving her feet and swinging her hands to the music as she danced in a circle with her grandchildren.) Such moments remind me I need to appreciate the time I have with her now . . . even the difficult days . . . because, for now, she is still with us.
Jesus said, “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. For more than 60 years my mom laid down her time, her talent, her money, her life to support and encourage me and many others in our endeavors. Now it is my turn. I honor my father and my mother by spending time with, and caring for, the mother who spent a lifetime “loving others as herself.” How do you honor your father and your mother?
Karen Lynn Woo is an ordained pastor in the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).